wanna go halves on a baby?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
