What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Randomize
