he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
