did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
