she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
