...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize