I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
