My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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