I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
