I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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