The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
