Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize