I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
