i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
