we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
