HIV tests are more positive than that guy
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
