I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He's a Shit stain on my heart
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize