You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
