Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
