Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
