I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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