you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
