Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
