there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
