you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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