I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
