Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
