I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize