At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
