They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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