Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
