I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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