Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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