wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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