Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
