so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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