fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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