Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
