Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
