I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
