Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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