my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
