Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
