I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
