Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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