I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
