i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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