Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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