Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
