Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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