I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
True strength comes from lack of pants
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize