I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
