she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
