Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
