So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
