Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
