i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
