if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
